Is this a nervous breakdown?

18 Sept

It’s time to make a confession: for over 15 years I have been living in a state of nervous exhaustion.

I’ve finally come to this “diagnosis” after years of doctor visits, blood tests, medication, naturopathy, hormone replacement therapy, sleep apnoea investigation, adjusting diet and exercise patterns, reducing workload and engaging stress management techniques.

Yet despite my best efforts, and with no real medical reason (after medication for certain conditions), I have continued to battle the same symptoms year after year: chronic exhaustion, migraines, frequent illnesses, autoimmune conditions, anxiety and panic attacks, depression, brain fog and constantly feeling like I’m in either freeze or fight/flight mode. I kept putting my state down to “a stint of” burnout, thinking relief would be just around the corner after a rest or a holiday, but that corner never arrived.

Some who know me may be surprised to hear this, as I’ve ploughed on with work, raising kids, serving church and maintaining our household. For close friends, it might explain why I’m sometimes flaky about social catch-ups, needing to cancel due to poor health or exhaustion. The truth is, it has been a constant battle to pick myself time and again.

Reaching ‘shutdown’

These symptoms have been getting worse over the past few years. A series of difficult events – including redundancy, working by myself to launch Be Still Movement as a non-profit, and the death of eight loved ones in the past year, including my darling Dad – have rattled my resilience and sense of stability more than ever before. In the past month, as the one-year anniversary of my Dad’s death loomed, my body and mind have been in shutdown mode.

I have been forced to spend a lot more hours in bed. I’ve been hungry all the time – my body has been crying out for more calories. I’ve had to stop strenuous exercise, as just going for a walk is exhausting. My energy has been so low that washing up or folding the washing have felt like endurance events. I huff and puff walking up the short staircase to our bedroom, and I can only work to an hour or two here and there.

On top of Sispyhus-level fatigue (as he constantly pushed a boulder up a hill), I feel a lot of shame for not being able to “get over” this. As an achievement oriented, task focussed person, my constant question has been, “What is wrong with me? Why do I get so much more tired than everyone else?”

For a yoga teacher, and a trainee health and wellness coach, this confession feels even more shameful. If I can’t manage my own body and nervous system, then how am I supposed to help others?

An a-ha moment

One saving grace is that I’m not alone. I came across a podcast episode recently that shone a new light on my experience. In it, former Chronic Fatigue (CFS) sufferer (and former personal trainer) Miguel Bautista shared how he used a program of nervous system regulation to heal his mind and his body. At this point, I know I run the risk of sounding naive or woo-woo, as I was convinced and compelled by his discovery. However, Miguel’s research and lived experience resonates with what I know to be true in myself – that is, my nervous system is “fried” after years of compounded stress, including daily deadlines in media, raising three girls, being a pastor’s wife, having some painful experiences in Christian workplaces, and the events of these past few years, on top of many other stressors. The result of all this is that my nervous system has become hypervigilant, being triggered far more easily and frequently over time.

So I find myself in a state of nervous exhaustion, that is a “state of severe mental, emotional and physical depletion caused by prolonged, unrelieved stress”. Weirdly, it’s a relief to land here. Like many others, I have been constantly seeking answers to my physical symptoms, without fully addressing the fact that all these symptoms start in the relationship between the body and the mind.

Now, knowing that all my symptoms may stem from an overactive nervous system, I feel like I can let go of the need for a diagnosis. My physical problems could all be a result of a "software glitch" (as Bautista describes it), where a hypersensitive nervous system gets stuck in persistent survival mode. When your mind and body are treating little everyday stressors (as well as the big stresses) like a physical emergency, no wonder it feels like you are running daily marathons.

Of course, I don’t want to promote nervous system regulation as the cure-all for those with burnout, CFS or exhaustion. I don’t claim to be an expert or a medical professional. And it goes without saying that the first checkpoint for anyone struggling with similar issues should be your local GP.

But for me, 15 years into this journey, exploring a nervous system regulation program is an avenue of hope. No doubt, this route will require time, effort and practice, and it could involve many more collapses and pick-ups along the way.

Another, more enduring hope and indeed blessing of this testing season, has come from the constant presence and kindness of the Lord. As my body has become less capable and my mind less efficient, I have leaned more heavily on my times with the Lord and the help of my family to get me through the day. As burnout has curtailed my activities, it has opened more space and time for me to spend with the Lord, and to draw on his power and enabling. It has been a humbling and expansive experience.

Hitting the pause button

For now, and this brings me to one of the main reasons for writing this blog, I need deep rest and margin to continue healing my body and mind. So, dear friends, I will be taking a break from teaching Be Still Movement group classes. I’m not sure when and if I will get back to holding regular in-person classes, as I will need to see how my recovery process plays out. One thing’s for sure, I can’t keep ignoring the very clear warnings from my body that it is not coping. It’s time to more fully invest in my own health and wellness and in doing so, I hope it might inspire others to do the same.

I am so grateful for your engagement in and support for our Be Still Movement community and ministry. Keep an eye on your email for future updates from Be Still Movement and in the meantime, may God’s goodness and grace surround you. Let me leave you with this blessing:

“The Lord bless you and keep you;
The Lord make His face shine upon you,
And be gracious to you;
The Lord lift up His countenance upon you,
And give you peace.”

(Numbers 6:24-26)

Blessings,

Bec (Founder & CEO of Be Still Movement)

Signs and symptoms of a dysregulated nervous system:

*This is not an exhaustive list and is not meant to be prescriptive. Our nervous system is wonderfully designed to protect us from danger, so some of these are normal signals of a healthy nervous system. However if you frequently experience many of these symptoms with declining physical and mental health over time, you may like to explore the possibility of a dysregulated nervous system with your GP, health professional or nervous system specialist.

Feeling tightness in your chest
Clenching your jaw
Noticing your heartbeat strongly in your chest
Hand tremors
Overreacting to situations and a feeling that you are often “on edge”
Increased irritability – being short or more snappy with others
Panic attacks
Brain fog – that is, trouble concentrating, remembering things, or making simple decisions
Sleep disturbances
Frequent migraines/ headaches
Digestive issues
Frequent sickness (e.g. colds) due to a lowered immune system
Constant exhaustion that is not resolved by naps or good nights’ sleep
Abnormal exhaustion and extended recovery time (e.g. days) after exercise
An increasing dependence on “uppers and downers” like coffee and alcohol
Autoimmune disorders
Lowered productivity – that is procrastinating, taking much longer to finish tasks, or missing work.